The Blue Light Of Rush Week

Okay folks this is something a bit different. This film that I watched is so " 80s slasher" that if you do not guess every single thing that will happen in this movie within the first three minutes, you need to watch more films. So instead of a review I have turned my perception of the film into a kind of limerick. I recommend watching the film first because this will literally tell you everything, so in other words there are spoilers ahead, spoilers for a thoroughly daft film ( which i still had loads of fun watching)

 

 Released 1989

Running time 1 hr 32 min

Rated M for occasional violence and sexual allusions.

Directed by: Bob Bralver

Starring: Dean Hamilton, Pamela Ludwig, Courtney Gebhart, Greg Allman and Roy Thinnes.

The Blue Light

“It’s killing time on campus”, says the tagline on the cover

With a terrible image of three characters next to each other,

The title “Rush week” splattered in the only  blood that’s found

Across any  pictures on the front or the back, just hanging around.

The movie starts with a pan shot of a building and another and another

With the actors names scrolling by, Greg in the sky! An Allman brother!

There’s Pamela Ludwig and Don grant and even a Mcguffin too

Horror synth music starts to play then everything turns blue.

Blue everything, everywhere, suddenly the music spikes!

Oh it’s just a tree, let’s get back to panning to see if something strikes.

Now we are in a building blue colour drowning all the light

There’s a lab, a corridor, An ominous clock! Not much of a fright.

Sudden rock music!  Shouts “Are you ready to party!”

Oh please god yes no more blue it was getting far too arty.

Band plays dressed in tribal gear

Dancers dack each other and everyone gives cheer

Outside a boring chick wearing  a neck sweater,

Establishes plot with a cute blonde we would like to know better.

“Complete animals” she says looking all superior now

Foreshadowing some conflict and I don’t really care how.

yay! back to wear the action is, “welcome to rush week!”

They are chanting Jeff or chug I cant quite tell, just let him speak.

Something about pledges, and fraternity and such

About embarrassing them and harassing them, not original much.

There’s a ceremonial axe, I’d keep an eye on that

And something called fright night, an event this movie will end at.

Big guy Jeff needs to take a walk outside

A “ nerdy girl” walking alone in the sudden blue light tide

A pair of legs is walking now, they smell of red herring

The girl approaches a building, I’m having difficulty in caring,

Sudden Boobs! Woke me straight up

Nudie photos, just filled my cup

Fat pervy guy wants to see some pink

“ at least I do for the money, not wack off material” I just spat my drink.

Posing with a corpse now

Really don’t know why or how

Perv gives her money with an axe on it ( see I told you to watch it)

He leaves her alone after getting angry, the room is dimly lit

Trench coat, feet slow walking

Sessions over! Lights out no more talking

Scream, axe, bringing it down

No blood just jump cut, made me frown

Guitar shredding! Priss gets coffee, Cafeteria chef is a sleaze

I’m not understanding this scene with a lot of ease.

There’s a douche bag yuppie and a bad gay joke

Felt bad for him until he spoke

Somehow this movie has turned into a bad frat flick

With a fake finger in his spaghetti that makes them laugh and makes him sick.

Big guy Jeff tries with boring girl, trying to make her swoon

She tells him no but he’s so dreamy, she’ll probably change her tune.

There in class now allowing the plot to divert

Every person who works for the college is a raging pervert.

There’s a cadaver, what a surprise it was all a prank

Im getting bored of all these frat boys my face is turning blank.

Boring chick is journalist, talking to The Dean,

Blah blah rush week is this ,rush week is that, he really isn’t mean

Talking about depravity, I suddenly pay attention

After a lame computer trick Toni realizes that he may have intentions

His daughter died one year ago at this very time

Well there’s a motive kiddies, he can jump in the red herring line.

There’s a weird scene with Greg Allman as a hippie teacher

Asses making asses of themselves, makes for tedious double feature.

Boring girl Toni decides to take the case

Dean assures her that missing girl was just displaced

She pulled the same stunt last year he says

Doesn’t seem to care at all with the coldness he displays.

Off to the party they go

More of the same on show.

But it’s ten dollars to watch or $20 to join in

These “sexual allusions” are surely beginning

Peeping in on a prostitute, the boys begin to stir

Just one more for the road, they somehow convince her.

They bring in a god damn dead body for her to pleasure

Such an awful thing to do just for frat boy leisure,

Unsurprisingly she runs away and Big guy jeff needs to “walk” somewhere

Shes running in a g string and I only slightly begin to care.

The Blue light shows up again and takes over

Pants and trench coat are walking through now, this time even slower. 

She’s giving us the fakest cry I have ever heard

And suddenly without even saying a word

Axe! Girl runs, she falls predictably

We see killer wear a mask conspicuously

Axe comes down, no blood again! I feel ripped off

A cat could scare me better with a well timed cough.

Someone warns Toni to back off or else with the lame computer trick

She suspects Big Guy Jeff now but he’s so dreamy he wouldn’t be so sick.

There are more pranks involving ruining peoples fun and sexual assault

Boring Girl Toni must steal information, which is totally not her fault.

Starts to unravel tediously obvious plot

Julie was stripping for money, Alma was a hooker it really isn’t a lot

She goes to science building and finds some blood

The music spikes to get us excited but then falls with a  thud.

Creepy janitor red herring, worst security guard ever

Big guy jeff waiting outside like a creep, not very clever.

Shes just a hooker he says, being a total prick

The movie looks like it is in black and white now, the blue is really thick.

Toni ignores everything that he says, starts to dig some more.

With the help of pseudo-science, she looks in the back door

Friends totally rat Jeff out on him acting all weird

But then the music tells us that the creepy chef is to be feared.

Toni works on her computer and it tell her that death purifies,

The phone rings and any suspense suddenly dies

Answer it for fuck sake!

Oh great they hung up, I blame you for how long you take.

Big guy jeff being all cute and sweet and completely unconvincing

So Toni tells him everything she’s found, which leaves me wincing.

Jeff looks disillusioned and they have the shortest dance in history

He has so many friends who care about him but he sits there in misery.

Toni agrees to help his friend find out what’s making him itch

But only through blackmail because she’s actually a cold hearted bitch.

Shock! He was dating the Dean’s daughter who totally got killed

Jeff asks her on a date and she obviously seems thrilled.

Terrible stock music shows such romantic things to set the mood

Marshmallows and driving and raining and jeff having a brood.

Kiss but then no and then proper kiss

She’s a terrible judge of character, with all the clues she dismissed.

She spoils the moment by asking about the dead chick

Honestly, what is wrong with you Toni, you are so aggravatingly thick.

Back at school now, sleazy photography found another girl

Giving his weird fetish boob/ corpse combination another whirl.

Oh wow it’s totally the sleazy chef, they are one and the same.

I was going to get excited but then I realized that’s super lame.

He leaves her high and dry as well and turns out all the lights.

She starts walking around the building for no damn reason, oh what delights.

She goes into a room and walks around slowly looking for nothing

And then is somehow surprised when she hears someone coming.

Axe! Mask! Scream! Chop

Cut away again, you crappy m rated flop!

Toni back to investigating. Finds out where chef lives

She breaks into his house with a credit card and where zero fucks give.

Obvious photo cut outs on the walls

Oh no chef’s home, so she goes ahead and falls.

She runs into the bathroom and hides in the bath

He takes a piss and I begin to laugh

He starts to get naked and she can’t take it anymore

She jumps and he falls onto the floor.

Toni in her infinite wisdom goes straight to the Dean,

Not to the police, cause that would be smart, she wants him to come clean.

It’s an isolated incident, he says being all weird and aggressive.

She shrugs it off and goes back to being intellectually regressive.

“ this is real life not some stupid horror movie” he yells

Never once setting off any warning bells.

It’s almost fright night and people are missing

Friends call them flakes, while they’re too busy kissing.

Getting ready for the party there is Freddy Kruger dressed up French (?)

Everyone is weird and cultish and there is a really cheesy stench.

An addition of a chainsaw guitar is literally the best thing in this by far

There’s a random Halloween party not on Halloween, pretty bizarre.

You have to protect ceremonial axe, someone tried to swipe it

Well obviously that’s going to fail whether or not they like it.

Toni goes and tries to catch killer, presumably

Jeff goes and tries to save her, predictably

He totally steals the axe as well

Toni tries to Call the Dean, bloody hell

He’s not at home, what a surprise

I’m thoroughly looking forward to her demise.

She’s in the building now walking around for no reason

She’s startled by a skeleton and then laughs, oh boy it’s stupid season.

Oh no the chef is coming, he could still be our guy

Someone cut the power, but she’ll still give the lifts a try.

The chef walks into another room. Sudden Axe!!

Oh goody! The only blood in the movie! Glorious head gash

Chef is dead, let’s put that red herring in the trash.

The GAE mess up Jeff’s room, they find pictures

Find newspaper clippings of murdered girls, and other such fixtures.

Pseudo-science girl uses computer to warn Toni,

The stupid power is meant to be out, this continuity can blow me.

I really really just want something to happen now.

I’ll flip out and throw the cover at the Tv, this I vow.

Oh wait there’s the axe, and she fucking dodges it, what!

No one else has been able to, this better be good for the plot.

She starts to run again, and waits for the god damn lift!

She has a spark of genius and goes for the stairs so swift.

The killer is somehow on level one ahead of her

So she goes into the basement, her logic is a blur

She makes noise like an idiot, doesn’t try to get out.

At this point my whisper has turned into a shout

Don’t tip over the spiders, oh my god you stupid clout.

Trying to be suspenseful with killer walking around basement

With Toni trying not to scream with inconvenient spider placement.

She gets out, *groan*

She goes to the furnace room ( wtff?) *moan*

The killer shows up and a there is a sudden guitar solo

Only a momentary distraction from how much this chase does blow.

Toni creeps up and hit the killer with some kind of tool

The mask falls off and it’s Jeff, she has been a fool!

But then the killer comes up (another one)

And tries to kill her, (confusing) oh what fun!

It’s Dean Grail (well Duh)

He needs to purify everyone, most obvious revelation by far.

They fight, she stabs him and apologizes to Jeff

Even though he was dressed as the killer for no reason and was obviously deaf.

The plot comes pouring out. Blah bah obsessed

Jeff needed to trap him (still confusing) to get him to confess.

Killer comes back again (duh) and Toni reaches for Axe

Jeff’s hanging back trying to relax

She chucks him the axe and without much force

Jeff cuts the Dean’s head off, just in time of course.

All their friends show up and go oh oohhh

They don’t know what is going on because they’re drunk and slow.

The new Dean (already) congratulates Jeff on murdering the old one

After all that they have been through how can they be having fun?

They joke about DBD being perfect gentlemen in their eyes

They do this weird wave goodbye, concealing all the lies.

The party starts again, everything as it should be,

No more blue light creeping up on me.

This movie ruined my brain

I don’t think I’ll go killing on campus again.